STILL HERE
We’re sitting on the porch and
I’m reflecting and being quiet
John’s talking.
We should do this and
we should do that and he thinks
I should go for a run with Catherine from
next door because
I would really like it.
And I probably really would but that’s not the point
and he catches my thoughts and says
he bets I thought that with my mother gone
no-one would still be trying to tell me what to do.
I smile and think that sometimes when people are
married for a long time they become
a lot like each other.
Or maybe they get married because
they are already a lot like each other?
-Leah Costello
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Mornings
THE MORNING AFTER
Before she got diagnosed the second, and final time
I asked her how she was feeling about
her post-cancer life.
At that time, I believe,
she was mostly trying to
deal with the loss of her breast, the scars it left,
and the worry that the cancer might
come back.
So in answer to my question,
she said “Okay”.
And with more consideration,
“Pretty Good, you know”.
Because my mother dealt with everything that way.
Straight-forward.
Practical.
And determinedly Optimistic.
But then she said, in answer to my question, that
the mornings were the worst.
She said that there were those moments
in the morning.
When you’re just waking up
from that sleepy haze.
The sun might be coming in.
The birds might be singing.
And you’re still just…feeling.
You haven’t started thinking yet.
And then it comes over you.
The reality.
The knowledge.
The understanding that things have changed
and are different now
and will never be the same.
Mornings were the worst.
Mornings were the worst.
But then she’d have her coffee
and go upstairs
and nudge the cat
and have some breakfast.
And have a Pretty Good day.
So I woke up this morning
in a sleepy haze
in my mother’s house
for the first time without my mother.
The sun was coming in the window
on the honey coloured beams
and the birds were singing outside.
And I was just…feeling.
I hadn’t started thinking yet.
And then it came over me.
The reality.
The knowledge.
The understanding that things have changed
and are different now
and will never be the same.
And I know what she meant now
that mornings were the worst.
This morning was the worst.
But then I went downstairs
and nudged the cat
and had some coffee
and then some breakfast.
I will try to have a Pretty Good day.
-Leah Costello
Before she got diagnosed the second, and final time
I asked her how she was feeling about
her post-cancer life.
At that time, I believe,
she was mostly trying to
deal with the loss of her breast, the scars it left,
and the worry that the cancer might
come back.
So in answer to my question,
she said “Okay”.
And with more consideration,
“Pretty Good, you know”.
Because my mother dealt with everything that way.
Straight-forward.
Practical.
And determinedly Optimistic.
But then she said, in answer to my question, that
the mornings were the worst.
She said that there were those moments
in the morning.
When you’re just waking up
from that sleepy haze.
The sun might be coming in.
The birds might be singing.
And you’re still just…feeling.
You haven’t started thinking yet.
And then it comes over you.
The reality.
The knowledge.
The understanding that things have changed
and are different now
and will never be the same.
Mornings were the worst.
Mornings were the worst.
But then she’d have her coffee
and go upstairs
and nudge the cat
and have some breakfast.
And have a Pretty Good day.
So I woke up this morning
in a sleepy haze
in my mother’s house
for the first time without my mother.
The sun was coming in the window
on the honey coloured beams
and the birds were singing outside.
And I was just…feeling.
I hadn’t started thinking yet.
And then it came over me.
The reality.
The knowledge.
The understanding that things have changed
and are different now
and will never be the same.
And I know what she meant now
that mornings were the worst.
This morning was the worst.
But then I went downstairs
and nudged the cat
and had some coffee
and then some breakfast.
I will try to have a Pretty Good day.
-Leah Costello
Friday, May 30, 2008
May 20, 2008 - 3:15 pm
May 30, 2008 - 3:15 pm
Her breathing’s really slow
and her eye lids flutter
and it’s really quiet.
But there are some birds chirping outside
and some ducks playing in the
pond made by the
overflowing creek.
Then, gently,
she just whispers to a stop.
-Leah Costello
Her breathing’s really slow
and her eye lids flutter
and it’s really quiet.
But there are some birds chirping outside
and some ducks playing in the
pond made by the
overflowing creek.
Then, gently,
she just whispers to a stop.
-Leah Costello
Drowning
DROWNING
I don’t know the medical term for it
but she’s got some kind of fluid
bubbling up in the back of her throat.
Her already strained breathing is
clouded further
by the froth and bubbles that
she’s trying to breathe though.
We wonder if this is maybe just part of the process
or if we can do something about it
to make her more comfortable
like we promised we would do.
Ruth left a vacuum-type thing
Like something you’d use in a dentist’s office
with a suction hose.
So I turn it on and it makes
a loud whirring sound
overcome only by the
whirring sound of the oxygen machine that is still
rasping in the corner.
We clear some of the fluid
but there’s more below that
and the suction won’t clear it out.
So I turn off the machine
and make her more comfortable
by touching her face and
holding her hand.
Listening to her and
watching her struggle makes
my own breath feel tight.
I hope, in agony, that she knows
and feels, that we’re doing our best.
-Leah Costello
I don’t know the medical term for it
but she’s got some kind of fluid
bubbling up in the back of her throat.
Her already strained breathing is
clouded further
by the froth and bubbles that
she’s trying to breathe though.
We wonder if this is maybe just part of the process
or if we can do something about it
to make her more comfortable
like we promised we would do.
Ruth left a vacuum-type thing
Like something you’d use in a dentist’s office
with a suction hose.
So I turn it on and it makes
a loud whirring sound
overcome only by the
whirring sound of the oxygen machine that is still
rasping in the corner.
We clear some of the fluid
but there’s more below that
and the suction won’t clear it out.
So I turn off the machine
and make her more comfortable
by touching her face and
holding her hand.
Listening to her and
watching her struggle makes
my own breath feel tight.
I hope, in agony, that she knows
and feels, that we’re doing our best.
-Leah Costello
Last Words
LAST WORDS
In the movies it seems like
people say their last words
and then shut their eyes
and they’re gone.
After 12 hours of her being unconscious
and unresponsive to
touch and sound,
I am wondering if I should stretch out
on the couch instead of
napping in the chair beside her bed
where I’ve been since Wednesday night.
I’ve been wondering this for a while
because in a situation like this
nothing happens quickly and you have
a lot of time to ponder even small decisions.
The couch looks more comfortable but then again
I can’t hold her hand from there.
And while I am thinking about this
she opens her eyes
and squeezes my hand,
which is still there,
and says “I love you both”.
Which seems like something
you would just imagine wanting
someone to say at a time like this.
But she actually just said that.
And now she’s been unconscious again
for nearly another 12 hours and I am still in my
chair because there will be lots
of other times
to lie on the couch.
-Leah Costello
In the movies it seems like
people say their last words
and then shut their eyes
and they’re gone.
After 12 hours of her being unconscious
and unresponsive to
touch and sound,
I am wondering if I should stretch out
on the couch instead of
napping in the chair beside her bed
where I’ve been since Wednesday night.
I’ve been wondering this for a while
because in a situation like this
nothing happens quickly and you have
a lot of time to ponder even small decisions.
The couch looks more comfortable but then again
I can’t hold her hand from there.
And while I am thinking about this
she opens her eyes
and squeezes my hand,
which is still there,
and says “I love you both”.
Which seems like something
you would just imagine wanting
someone to say at a time like this.
But she actually just said that.
And now she’s been unconscious again
for nearly another 12 hours and I am still in my
chair because there will be lots
of other times
to lie on the couch.
-Leah Costello
Breathing
BREATHING
She’s been unconscious
for over 12 hours now.
Which might not seem like a long time
if you’re lying on a beach on your
last day of vacation
or having a busy day at work.
But when all you’re doing
is watching someone breathe
and wondering if they’ll breathe again
it can feel like time is standing still.
She’s breathing on average
six and a half times per minute
if I were to count.
Which I do because what else
do you do when all you can do is
watch and wonder and count.
And six and a half times per minute
means that there are many times when
I think it has to be down to four now
because it’s such a long time in between.
So I count again and it’s still six and a half.
-Leah Costello
She’s been unconscious
for over 12 hours now.
Which might not seem like a long time
if you’re lying on a beach on your
last day of vacation
or having a busy day at work.
But when all you’re doing
is watching someone breathe
and wondering if they’ll breathe again
it can feel like time is standing still.
She’s breathing on average
six and a half times per minute
if I were to count.
Which I do because what else
do you do when all you can do is
watch and wonder and count.
And six and a half times per minute
means that there are many times when
I think it has to be down to four now
because it’s such a long time in between.
So I count again and it’s still six and a half.
-Leah Costello
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Nightie
NIGHTIE
Her nightie is bunched
under her arms
behind her back.
The collar is crooked and one side is pulled
up too high
and gaping
slightly around her neck.
At the store it would be
on a hanger
draped and smooth
but probably not as pretty.
-Leah Costello
Her nightie is bunched
under her arms
behind her back.
The collar is crooked and one side is pulled
up too high
and gaping
slightly around her neck.
At the store it would be
on a hanger
draped and smooth
but probably not as pretty.
-Leah Costello
Sunflowers for Mom
SUNFLOWERS FOR MOM
She’s sort of in and out of sleep
and part of it is that John can’t stay still.
He’s very intent on entertaining her
which is more than I have the will to do
and I admire his energy while
he admires my ability
to just sit with her for so long.
He comes with juice
and a spoonful of ice cream
and turns on her favourite music
and brings her a stuffed sheep.
He says that he will go and bring her sunflowers
but she has to promise to be here when
he gets back.
She nods yes that she promises
and seemingly seconds later
he arrives back with a huge
bunch of sunflowers
from the hill down the road.
I’ve heard the phrase
“her face lit up” but never really
understood it until
I saw my mother’s face
light up at the sight of that armful of vibrant yellow life.
Her movements aren’t completely coordinated
and she can no longer speak
but she reaches for the flowers
and holds them, glowing, while
John looks for a vase.
-Leah Costello
She’s sort of in and out of sleep
and part of it is that John can’t stay still.
He’s very intent on entertaining her
which is more than I have the will to do
and I admire his energy while
he admires my ability
to just sit with her for so long.
He comes with juice
and a spoonful of ice cream
and turns on her favourite music
and brings her a stuffed sheep.
He says that he will go and bring her sunflowers
but she has to promise to be here when
he gets back.
She nods yes that she promises
and seemingly seconds later
he arrives back with a huge
bunch of sunflowers
from the hill down the road.
I’ve heard the phrase
“her face lit up” but never really
understood it until
I saw my mother’s face
light up at the sight of that armful of vibrant yellow life.
Her movements aren’t completely coordinated
and she can no longer speak
but she reaches for the flowers
and holds them, glowing, while
John looks for a vase.
-Leah Costello
Monday, December 31, 2007
Christmas Letter 2007
December 2007
I’m not sure why I was in such a rush to buy my cards before Christmas given that I’m not writing in them until nearly New Years! A benefit I suppose in my procrastinating is that you will get my 2007 update so complete it will include even the last few hours of the year…
Most of the interesting things I did in 2007 were through my job at the Fraser Institute where I have worked now for just over (gulp) 6 years! In the spring I was promoted to Director of Events which has been interesting as I now sit on our management committee and am more involved in decisions about the organization as a whole. Primarily it means more reports to write, financials to analyze, and just a little more stress, but the experience has been good so far!
As part of our efforts to bring discussions around public policy ideas to a younger (than 65!) demographic, I started hosting a monthly event series called Behind the Spin at the trendy OPUS Lounge in Yaletown. Over green martinis and canapés we have entertained guests including US Ambassador to Canada David Wilkins, the leader of the Marijuana Party Marc Emery, and conservative communications guru Tom Flanagan. We’ve also discussed climate change, healthcare, and, with VSO Maestro Bramwell Tovey, the role of government in funding Arts & Culture. All of which has involved a few late nights, a lot of wine, and many interesting ideas as to how to solve some of the world’s most challenging problems!
The biggest blast to the past was the opportunity for me to host Brian Mulroney as he came through Vancouver on his book tour in late September. He’s the only Prime Minister I remember from my childhood and so to share a stage with him was somewhat surreal. He’s quite a character with his Irish charm and humour, but I was happy that our event was over before he made such controversial front page news for the rest of the fall! We taped that event and a number of the OPUS events and will have them posted on-line soon.
I’ve also continued organizing policy excursions farther afield including our annual trip to Washington where we added a visit to the Supreme Court and briefing by Chief Justice John Roberts. This spurred an interesting discussion on the role of the courts in protecting (or not) liberty and freedom. However the most complicated but rewarding project was a two-week excursion to Shanghai and Beijing. This was a fascinating experience – China is such an eclectic mix of capitalism and communism! They have the most modern architecture and technology but then you turn around and their garbage collection is done with small barrels on the back of bicycles. Other trips included many visits to Calgary, Toronto, Montreal, & Ottawa, as well as a week in London, England. 2008 will find me again in London, Scotland, and Washington D.C., but also a week of springtime in New York and a trip to Kuwait City and Dubai in the fall exploring Economic Freedom in the Arab world. I’m intrigued to see if the faucets really are plated in gold there…
I had a few free moments for some personal trips and over Easter took David on a journey of my childhood. We drove through 100 Mile House and then up the long winding road to my Mom & John’s ranch in Tatlayoko Lake. I’m pretty sure his car had never seen gravel roads before and I’m pretty sure they may never again! In May we spent some time north of San Francisco in the Sonoma valley – amongst the eating and wine-drinking we rented some bikes and visited some of the local wineries. Reminiscent of our trip to Italy the year before and an inspiration to take more time doing more of the same this year! More food and wine in San Francisco and a brave trip across the Bay for a tour of Alcatraz. In search of sun, we spent a weekend in Los Angeles in September and have booked a much-needed get-away to Hawaii for mid-January. yay!yay!!!
Sadly though, the year has ended with some bad news for our family….
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago and after surgery and chemotherapy we hoped she had overcome it. Unfortunately she has been re-diagnosed with cancer this fall - she will start radiation therapy in January to help her be more comfortable but no cure is expected this time.
I’ve spent the last week over Christmas here in Tatlayoko Lake at the ranch. We’ve shared a bunch of tears but also some laughs and great memories. She has an amazing spirit and a very positive attitude. In a moment of reflection she told me that she is very happy with her life and the many things she has experienced in the world and contributed back. I think that although this is a sad and frightening time for all of us, she is a living inspiration in how to live well and enjoy each day with few regrets. Although she has closed the chapter on the teaching career that she has loved for so long, and the community newspaper that she published for 10 years, she plans to keep doing what she loves for as long as possible. She’s got a bouncy dog that she takes snowshoeing every day and a number of projects on the go with her husband John. The vast number of local friends and neighbours arriving through the snow with baskets of food and good wishes make me nostalgic and grateful all at the same time.
It seems better somehow to have a chance to say good-bye and I’m grateful for the time that we still have together – it will be a very special year…
Lots of Love to you in 2008,
Leah, Gustav, & Simba
I’m not sure why I was in such a rush to buy my cards before Christmas given that I’m not writing in them until nearly New Years! A benefit I suppose in my procrastinating is that you will get my 2007 update so complete it will include even the last few hours of the year…
Most of the interesting things I did in 2007 were through my job at the Fraser Institute where I have worked now for just over (gulp) 6 years! In the spring I was promoted to Director of Events which has been interesting as I now sit on our management committee and am more involved in decisions about the organization as a whole. Primarily it means more reports to write, financials to analyze, and just a little more stress, but the experience has been good so far!
As part of our efforts to bring discussions around public policy ideas to a younger (than 65!) demographic, I started hosting a monthly event series called Behind the Spin at the trendy OPUS Lounge in Yaletown. Over green martinis and canapés we have entertained guests including US Ambassador to Canada David Wilkins, the leader of the Marijuana Party Marc Emery, and conservative communications guru Tom Flanagan. We’ve also discussed climate change, healthcare, and, with VSO Maestro Bramwell Tovey, the role of government in funding Arts & Culture. All of which has involved a few late nights, a lot of wine, and many interesting ideas as to how to solve some of the world’s most challenging problems!
The biggest blast to the past was the opportunity for me to host Brian Mulroney as he came through Vancouver on his book tour in late September. He’s the only Prime Minister I remember from my childhood and so to share a stage with him was somewhat surreal. He’s quite a character with his Irish charm and humour, but I was happy that our event was over before he made such controversial front page news for the rest of the fall! We taped that event and a number of the OPUS events and will have them posted on-line soon.
I’ve also continued organizing policy excursions farther afield including our annual trip to Washington where we added a visit to the Supreme Court and briefing by Chief Justice John Roberts. This spurred an interesting discussion on the role of the courts in protecting (or not) liberty and freedom. However the most complicated but rewarding project was a two-week excursion to Shanghai and Beijing. This was a fascinating experience – China is such an eclectic mix of capitalism and communism! They have the most modern architecture and technology but then you turn around and their garbage collection is done with small barrels on the back of bicycles. Other trips included many visits to Calgary, Toronto, Montreal, & Ottawa, as well as a week in London, England. 2008 will find me again in London, Scotland, and Washington D.C., but also a week of springtime in New York and a trip to Kuwait City and Dubai in the fall exploring Economic Freedom in the Arab world. I’m intrigued to see if the faucets really are plated in gold there…
I had a few free moments for some personal trips and over Easter took David on a journey of my childhood. We drove through 100 Mile House and then up the long winding road to my Mom & John’s ranch in Tatlayoko Lake. I’m pretty sure his car had never seen gravel roads before and I’m pretty sure they may never again! In May we spent some time north of San Francisco in the Sonoma valley – amongst the eating and wine-drinking we rented some bikes and visited some of the local wineries. Reminiscent of our trip to Italy the year before and an inspiration to take more time doing more of the same this year! More food and wine in San Francisco and a brave trip across the Bay for a tour of Alcatraz. In search of sun, we spent a weekend in Los Angeles in September and have booked a much-needed get-away to Hawaii for mid-January. yay!yay!!!
Sadly though, the year has ended with some bad news for our family….
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago and after surgery and chemotherapy we hoped she had overcome it. Unfortunately she has been re-diagnosed with cancer this fall - she will start radiation therapy in January to help her be more comfortable but no cure is expected this time.
I’ve spent the last week over Christmas here in Tatlayoko Lake at the ranch. We’ve shared a bunch of tears but also some laughs and great memories. She has an amazing spirit and a very positive attitude. In a moment of reflection she told me that she is very happy with her life and the many things she has experienced in the world and contributed back. I think that although this is a sad and frightening time for all of us, she is a living inspiration in how to live well and enjoy each day with few regrets. Although she has closed the chapter on the teaching career that she has loved for so long, and the community newspaper that she published for 10 years, she plans to keep doing what she loves for as long as possible. She’s got a bouncy dog that she takes snowshoeing every day and a number of projects on the go with her husband John. The vast number of local friends and neighbours arriving through the snow with baskets of food and good wishes make me nostalgic and grateful all at the same time.
It seems better somehow to have a chance to say good-bye and I’m grateful for the time that we still have together – it will be a very special year…
Lots of Love to you in 2008,
Leah, Gustav, & Simba
Monday, December 17, 2007
Not Going to Get Better
NOT GOING TO GET BETTER
So we’re all getting better at doing this.
This time I’ve been told clearly that the
new spot is cancerous and that there is
an appointment in Kelowna
on Monday morning.
The promised call doesn’t come until late that night
but I miss the phone in the back seat so
I listen to my mother leaving me the
phone number of the
hotel in Kelowna.
It’s 9:30 at night so I should know that it’s
bad news but people with
bad news don’t do normal things like
leave messages with phone numbers on
answering machines
I think.
I’m still not expecting my mother to say in a
steady but already resigned voice
that this time …
she’s not going to get better.
-Leah Costello
So we’re all getting better at doing this.
This time I’ve been told clearly that the
new spot is cancerous and that there is
an appointment in Kelowna
on Monday morning.
The promised call doesn’t come until late that night
but I miss the phone in the back seat so
I listen to my mother leaving me the
phone number of the
hotel in Kelowna.
It’s 9:30 at night so I should know that it’s
bad news but people with
bad news don’t do normal things like
leave messages with phone numbers on
answering machines
I think.
I’m still not expecting my mother to say in a
steady but already resigned voice
that this time …
she’s not going to get better.
-Leah Costello
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Unexpected
UNEXPECTED
There’s a song about sunscreen
that says that sometimes
the biggest moments in life
come when you’re not expecting them
like on a Tuesday afternoon.
It was a Saturday afternoon in dreary November
when John said
that they’ve found some more spots and
they aren’t sure what it means
but that my mother has some tests scheduled.
And so I let out a gasp
and started to cry
and John said
“DON’T. Just don’t. That’s what your mother did.”
Which, interpreted, means
he’s really scared and so is my mother
and if I want to cry it will have to be later.
-Leah Costello
There’s a song about sunscreen
that says that sometimes
the biggest moments in life
come when you’re not expecting them
like on a Tuesday afternoon.
It was a Saturday afternoon in dreary November
when John said
that they’ve found some more spots and
they aren’t sure what it means
but that my mother has some tests scheduled.
And so I let out a gasp
and started to cry
and John said
“DON’T. Just don’t. That’s what your mother did.”
Which, interpreted, means
he’s really scared and so is my mother
and if I want to cry it will have to be later.
-Leah Costello
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Lop-Sided
LOP-SIDED
I know there will be something
warm and hot on the stove and Mom
will have been waiting.
Waiting for the sound of the car
completing my snowy journey
since my last call nearly three hours ago
from the outskirts
of Williams Lake.
My throat catches
as it always does
as the lights come into view
on their little log house as I
drive over the crest of the hill.
Turning right into the driveway
over the cattle guard that
never keeps all of cattle out.
Left past John’s shop and the sheds
that house my childhood treasures and the newly re-built
computer shed/movie-making studio.
Down the slope
between the creek
and the basement door and
I’m a little slow
getting out of the car
because I’m scared to see her.
I brace myself
and put on a smile
and it’s okay
to hide a little behind the
It’s Been A Long Drive face.
She gives me a huge hug and
we’re both shaking with emotion
and she calls me Boo Boo.
I’m just surviving the moment because
she’s lop-sided
underneath her sweater
and I’m trying not to look
while trying not to make it obvious
that I’m not looking.
-Leah Costello
I know there will be something
warm and hot on the stove and Mom
will have been waiting.
Waiting for the sound of the car
completing my snowy journey
since my last call nearly three hours ago
from the outskirts
of Williams Lake.
My throat catches
as it always does
as the lights come into view
on their little log house as I
drive over the crest of the hill.
Turning right into the driveway
over the cattle guard that
never keeps all of cattle out.
Left past John’s shop and the sheds
that house my childhood treasures and the newly re-built
computer shed/movie-making studio.
Down the slope
between the creek
and the basement door and
I’m a little slow
getting out of the car
because I’m scared to see her.
I brace myself
and put on a smile
and it’s okay
to hide a little behind the
It’s Been A Long Drive face.
She gives me a huge hug and
we’re both shaking with emotion
and she calls me Boo Boo.
I’m just surviving the moment because
she’s lop-sided
underneath her sweater
and I’m trying not to look
while trying not to make it obvious
that I’m not looking.
-Leah Costello
Saturday, December 17, 2005
All She Wants for Christmas
ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS
I’m walking through the Bay
looking at men’s clothes because
Mom says John wants a sweater
for Christmas.
I’m not sure if John actually wants a sweater
for Christmas or if it’s
one of those things
like when you’re a kid
and your Mom tells you that
what she really wants
are some new
oven mitts or ear muffs or black socks.
Because she knows that
what you really want
is to make her happy.
So she picks Something Easy
for you to buy
and you don’t realize
until you’re older
that for her it wasn’t about the item
it was about
seeing the look of relief on her daughter’s face
that she found the present that her mother really wanted.
I guess that’s why she didn’t ever make it
hard and tell me that what
she really wanted for Christmas was
for me to shack up with an artist or
share her leftist political views
or move to a small town.
So I’m wandering through the sweater aisles
and the most important thing
at the moment is deciding on
brown or blue?
I know that they’re expecting a
call from the Doctor this morning
to tell them if the
test results say that the
cancer has spread to her lymph nodes or not.
I don’t know what a lymph node is but
I know enough to know that we
don’t want her to have cancer in them.
When my phone rings in the
Men’s Department I know already
that it’s good news because
I understand now that
good news is shared
as soon as possible and that only
bad news waits until there’s been
time to process and plan
a communication strategy.
So when I arrive on the
Kitchen & Bath floor I understand that it’s not about the
blue Cuisine Art griddle pan because
she’s already received
what she wouldn’t have been able to ask me for.
-Leah Costello
I’m walking through the Bay
looking at men’s clothes because
Mom says John wants a sweater
for Christmas.
I’m not sure if John actually wants a sweater
for Christmas or if it’s
one of those things
like when you’re a kid
and your Mom tells you that
what she really wants
are some new
oven mitts or ear muffs or black socks.
Because she knows that
what you really want
is to make her happy.
So she picks Something Easy
for you to buy
and you don’t realize
until you’re older
that for her it wasn’t about the item
it was about
seeing the look of relief on her daughter’s face
that she found the present that her mother really wanted.
I guess that’s why she didn’t ever make it
hard and tell me that what
she really wanted for Christmas was
for me to shack up with an artist or
share her leftist political views
or move to a small town.
So I’m wandering through the sweater aisles
and the most important thing
at the moment is deciding on
brown or blue?
I know that they’re expecting a
call from the Doctor this morning
to tell them if the
test results say that the
cancer has spread to her lymph nodes or not.
I don’t know what a lymph node is but
I know enough to know that we
don’t want her to have cancer in them.
When my phone rings in the
Men’s Department I know already
that it’s good news because
I understand now that
good news is shared
as soon as possible and that only
bad news waits until there’s been
time to process and plan
a communication strategy.
So when I arrive on the
Kitchen & Bath floor I understand that it’s not about the
blue Cuisine Art griddle pan because
she’s already received
what she wouldn’t have been able to ask me for.
-Leah Costello
Monday, November 28, 2005
Mastectomy
MASTECTOMY
I’m sitting in my car on 2nd Avenue
in tears because she’s going to have a
Mastectomy.
I’m devastated for my mother because
she’s a very sexual person
and although it might be unusual for
her daughter to understand that about her mother
its just one of those things I’m
acutely aware of right now.
I’m feeling so profoundly sad for her
but what can I do but sit, in tears,
in my car on 2nd Avenue.
-Leah Costello
I’m sitting in my car on 2nd Avenue
in tears because she’s going to have a
Mastectomy.
I’m devastated for my mother because
she’s a very sexual person
and although it might be unusual for
her daughter to understand that about her mother
its just one of those things I’m
acutely aware of right now.
I’m feeling so profoundly sad for her
but what can I do but sit, in tears,
in my car on 2nd Avenue.
-Leah Costello
Saturday, November 26, 2005
It's Cancer
IT’S CANCER
I’m driving to sailing and I
call Mom and John to
ask about the check-up.
It’s been a couple of days so
probably perhaps that means there’s no
bad news to speak of?
It’s not unusual for them to mention
days or weeks later in a conversation
much after the fact
that Mom’s broken her arm
and they had to drive 6 hours to the hospital in Kamloops, twice,
and now she has a metal plate bolted into her elbow.
Or that John lit the computer shed
on fire by accident last week but luckily the
local volunteer fire brigade
of neighbours with buckets
dipping water out of the creek
put the flames out before they reached the house.
John’s flustered and worried and frustrated
and I’m trying to be sensitive but also
pressing him so that I can understand what’s going on.
And yes there is a lump so
I’m asking what happens next and if they’re going
to do some tests to find out if it’s the bad kind.
And John’s says finally, clearly,
as if I should already know
that its cancer.
-Leah Costello
I’m driving to sailing and I
call Mom and John to
ask about the check-up.
It’s been a couple of days so
probably perhaps that means there’s no
bad news to speak of?
It’s not unusual for them to mention
days or weeks later in a conversation
much after the fact
that Mom’s broken her arm
and they had to drive 6 hours to the hospital in Kamloops, twice,
and now she has a metal plate bolted into her elbow.
Or that John lit the computer shed
on fire by accident last week but luckily the
local volunteer fire brigade
of neighbours with buckets
dipping water out of the creek
put the flames out before they reached the house.
John’s flustered and worried and frustrated
and I’m trying to be sensitive but also
pressing him so that I can understand what’s going on.
And yes there is a lump so
I’m asking what happens next and if they’re going
to do some tests to find out if it’s the bad kind.
And John’s says finally, clearly,
as if I should already know
that its cancer.
-Leah Costello
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Chances Are
CHANCES ARE
I’m emailing David
that my mother has found a lump and that
what will I do
if she’s not going to be around to be a
grandmother to my future potential imaginary children?
David writes back not to worry because
97% of the things
you worry about in life
don’t ever happen.
I know he means well
and I feel a little better
but what if the 97%
includes things like
what if I don’t get that report done or
what if I can’t afford a new car or
what if I’m late in filing my income taxes.
And the 3% includes
that my mother has cancer
and that she is going to die
and then she won’t be around to be a grandmother to my kids?
-Leah Costello
I’m emailing David
that my mother has found a lump and that
what will I do
if she’s not going to be around to be a
grandmother to my future potential imaginary children?
David writes back not to worry because
97% of the things
you worry about in life
don’t ever happen.
I know he means well
and I feel a little better
but what if the 97%
includes things like
what if I don’t get that report done or
what if I can’t afford a new car or
what if I’m late in filing my income taxes.
And the 3% includes
that my mother has cancer
and that she is going to die
and then she won’t be around to be a grandmother to my kids?
-Leah Costello
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
A Casual Call
In my past life as a caterer we would say that it’s
not only about the food it’s about the
presentation too.
So I’m talking on the phone to
my mother
first about new recipes and the
daily activities of her cats and mine.
And then about how I’m
feeling, about my
upcoming move and
ending yet another relationship.
We update on my
grandmother
who is about to undergo
surgery and radiation for a
small cancerous tumour in her breast.
And we’re genuinely sad and
respectfully worried but then again
that’s the kind of thing that happens to
grandmothers. And mothers,
when they get older.
And then Mom mentions that
a few months ago
she also found a lump, and that
she’s scheduled to have it
checked out too
sometime in the coming weeks.
And looking back I wonder
if it was spontaneous that she
mentioned her health on that call or
if she planned the message carefully to be
mixed in with other things to make it
seem like no big deal.
-Leah Costello
not only about the food it’s about the
presentation too.
So I’m talking on the phone to
my mother
first about new recipes and the
daily activities of her cats and mine.
And then about how I’m
feeling, about my
upcoming move and
ending yet another relationship.
We update on my
grandmother
who is about to undergo
surgery and radiation for a
small cancerous tumour in her breast.
And we’re genuinely sad and
respectfully worried but then again
that’s the kind of thing that happens to
grandmothers. And mothers,
when they get older.
And then Mom mentions that
a few months ago
she also found a lump, and that
she’s scheduled to have it
checked out too
sometime in the coming weeks.
And looking back I wonder
if it was spontaneous that she
mentioned her health on that call or
if she planned the message carefully to be
mixed in with other things to make it
seem like no big deal.
-Leah Costello
Monday, December 09, 2002
Here is Leah. Sometimes it's good to put a face to a name. That, and for me to remember who I am and what I look like. Do you ever think that it's unusual that other people know what you look like better than you do yourself? Because I think that a person's mannerisms reflect much more about what you look like than when you're standing in front of the mirror brushing your teeth...
Hmmm... can't seem to figure out how to post the picture... will have to do that later.
I'm thinking maybe this can become my version of Bridget Jone's Diary. Could be an interesting read...
Hmmm... can't seem to figure out how to post the picture... will have to do that later.
I'm thinking maybe this can become my version of Bridget Jone's Diary. Could be an interesting read...
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