I Run for Life

I'm nearing the end of my first week of really focused training. So far, so good.

To keep myself motivated on my Tuesday run, I dug out the iPod and dusted off my old Vancouver Sun Run 2006 playlist.

About 7K in, I was flying along the eerily vacant and darkened Kits Beach trail. I was in the "zone" and running at a pretty good clip, with the lights of the city dancing on the water beside me - my breath forcing a frosty mist into the still night air. I could hear my feet pounding and my heart beating - sending steady vibrations through my chest.

I felt healthy and strong and powerful and invincible. If you're a runner then I know you know that feeling.

You feel so..... incredibly alive.

If you've lost someone who you loved, then I know you also know that gnawing, empty feeling that can sometimes grip your heart so hard that sometimes you feel like you can't even breathe.

When this song came on that night, the pain of losing my Mom was heightened so intensely for me that I thought I actually would stop breathing. But instead, I let it wash over me and I just let myself .... feel.

And I ran, and I ran, and I ran.

I ran until I felt I'd been hollowed out. Emptied.
... I ran until I felt emotionally drained of pain.

I hope that when you listen to this song, you can share in a small piece of that feeling. And I hope that someday, when you need it, you can feel its power and strength too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgiwrvEX8wY

I Run for Life - Melissa Etheridge
It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday when she gets herself dressed

Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me, my friend
I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul

And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

Ohohohoh
And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

The List

THE LIST

John just found
a small pad of paper
with my mother’s handwriting
still beautiful
but shaky.

With a list of 13 dates
written out from May 22 to June 3.

A little calendar of things she’s got
planned and what
she’s looking forward to.

On May 22 it says Make Buns
and on May 23 it says Make Chicken Soup.

Smaller expectations from previous calendars I know.

On May 24 it says Sort Books in Shed
which makes me sad because it’s one of the
projects that she really wanted to do when I was here last
but I was trying to keep up with my email from work
and so we didn’t.

The Books are her boxes of children’s books
that she wanted to look through and pick out
her favourite ones for me
in case I ever get around to having kids.
So that I will have them to read with them.

On her last night I asked her to tell me
which ones were her favourites
so that I can find them on my own.
She took a long time to answer and I’m not
sure if The Cat Box means that
there is a book called The Cat Box or
if there is a box of books about cats.

It’s May 31 today and she's already gone so
the pedicure she was scheduled to have
on June 3 will have to be cancelled.

It’s a sign of a good life when you still
have things you are
looking forward to doing even if you don’t ever get to do them.

-Leah Costello

Still Here

STILL HERE

We’re sitting on the porch and
I’m reflecting and being quiet
John’s talking.

We should do this and
we should do that and he thinks
I should go for a run with Catherine from
next door because
I would really like it.

And I probably really would but that’s not the point
and he catches my thoughts and says
he bets I thought that with my mother gone
no-one would still be trying to tell me what to do.

I smile and think that sometimes when people are
married for a long time they become
a lot like each other.

Or maybe they get married because
they are already a lot like each other?

-Leah Costello